Have you ever found yourself going down one of those “motivational” rabbit holes on YouTube? If so, you’ve probably seen videos with the words “Don’t quit” shining over a wolf’s face. “Never give up” and “Never surrender” also show up a lot.
Generally, I think these videos and posters mean well. To achieve long term goals, like being healthy, it’s sometimes necessary to overcome short-term discomfort, like exercising. And that’s when it’s important not to quit.
But sometimes, we focus so much on ‘not quitting’ that we stick with things that don’t help us achieve our goals. It’s ok to go backwards, sometimes. One of my close friends was extremely unhappy with her job, but she wouldn’t take her dream job because she “didn’t want to be seen as a quitter.”
Not every problem can be fixed by just pushing through. Sometimes we must accept that some things don’t work for us and we have to change to be happy. It’s okay to quit sometimes.
If your friend were in an abusive relationship, would you hold up a poster with a lion on it that says “Never quit” and encourage them to stay in that relationship?
Obviously not.
The Forward Progress Trap
Over time, I’ve realized it’s not just our “never quit” mentality that holds people back from leaving situations that are bad for them. It’s also hard to risk “moving backwards” for an uncertain shot at something better.
For example, I have a friend—let’s call him John, that currently has a high-paying, remote-work job. Uncomfortable with city life, he lives in a suburb that borders a mostly rural area.
He hates his job, works long hours, and has started to develop pretty severe anxiety. One of the things he’s struggling with the most though, is he’s afraid he won’t find a significant other—he doesn’t have many friends in the area and everyone he works with is much older and lives far away.
Overall, he’s been very unhappy lately.
He knows that if he changed jobs and locations, he’d be more likely to find a significant other. But changing jobs comes with some risks. If he changes jobs, he’s not sure he will make as much money. He might not be able to work remotely anymore, and, if that’s the case, he would almost certainly have to move closer to a city, which he doesn’t want to do.
Even though he’s currently unhappy, he’s worried changing things up would make him even more unhappy. For years now, his situation has stayed the same, and he remains paralyzed, hoping things will change.
I’m calling this situation the “forward progress trap.”
Why We Fall into the Forward Progress Trap
We all probably do this to some extent. Every time we achieve something new, our goal posts change. When we move into a big house, that house becomes the new benchmark for the next house. Our new job’s higher salary is now the lowest salary we’ll accept from a future job.
Though this thinking often makes sense for each individual choice we make, it can lead to us making poor overall choices for ourselves.
Think of John. All things being equal, it makes sense to choose a job that pays more money. It makes sense to choose a remote job over one that’s in person. And it makes sense to live in place where he feels comfortable. But overall, those choices aren’t adding up to happiness because they’re preventing him from meeting people. He’d likely be better off if he made a sacrifice, or moved “backward”, in one of those areas, so he could move forward in an area that’s more important—relationships.
I’ve now taken two steps “backward” in my career. And yes, it’s a painful decision and it comes with some public ridicule. But each time, I’ve been happier in my career than I was before—the new jobs were better fits in terms of interest and work-life balance. And ultimately I made a lot more friends and met my future wife. It’s not always easy to move forward in the areas you care about without moving backward somewhere else. But wouldn’t you rather start fresh on a road you want to be on than travel twenty years down the wrong path?
It’s OK to Go Backwards – the River Metaphor
Sometimes, we see life as a race. Every step we take moves us closer to the finish line. To go anywhere off course takes us away from our ultimate goal.
But I think life might be more like a river. A river doesn’t travel straight to the sea, regardless of what’s in front of it. It calmly goes around, doubles back, and gradually makes its way to its destination.
Or think of life more like a maze. We don’t know exactly where we are going, so we have to travel down different paths. To exit the maze, we have to try some paths that don’t work, and double back to find new paths—we don’t just force our way through a wall to avoid having to find a new path.
So if you’re worried about taking a risk, moving backward, or just feeling stuck, consider whether you’re afraid of losing something that is less important than what you stand to gain.
